I recently started playing a new game… I call it 5 Good Things.

If you ever take the time to stop and listen to exactly what you are saying to yourself… or more importantly, about yourself… on any given day, you will be surprised to realise just how incredibly negative your own self-talk is.  I mean seriously… if anyone ever spoke to me the way I speak to myself, well, let’s just say… we wouldn’t remain friends for very long.  We are incredibly, and unnecessarily harsh on ourselves… even cruel to ourselves, with the way that we constantly berate our own abilities, our appearance, our intelligence etc.

So I thought I might try something different.

Try if you might, to take a few moments each day to list 5 good things that you like about yourself.  It might be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.  You might like your hair, or your eyes.  Or you know that you are a good friend, have a wonderful sense of humour.  It can be anything at all, just so long as it is a positive thing and something that brings a smile to your face.

Actually the first day isn’t that difficult.  No matter how down we are on ourselves… 5 things isn’t that hard to come up with.

But now is when it gets tricky.

On day two… come up with 5 new things.  That’s right, they have to be completely different from the first days, 5.

Not too hard… but it might take just a little more effort.  But trust me, by day 3, you are starting to rack your brain a little more.  And by day 4, well, now it’s getting tough.  The longer this game goes on, the harder you will have to think to come up with 5 completely new things.  I found that I was actually repeating myself more often than I would have liked.  The first 5 were relatively easy, but coming up with new ones everyday takes effort.

Even if you give up and can’t think of 5 new things… you know what you have done.  Even if for only a few minutes.  You have spent some time looking at the positive aspects of yourself and taken a break from speaking to yourself as if you are your own worst enemy.

Just making that small effort… on it’s very own… has the power to change your life.  Time to start treating yourself as you would treat anyone else of value in your life.  Because whether or not you are willing or even able to admit this… you ARE the most valuable person in your life.  Without you… there would be no YOU.

Ever since I was a kid I always loved to swim.  I grew up near the coast, and was always first in the water and last out. Even when we weren’t at the beach, I would find a swimming pool… or swimming hole somewhere or other, and only ever felt truly at peace in the water.  Whenever we went on holiday, we always had to book accommodation with a pool, or a beach, or at the very least a hot tub.  And I don’t think there has been a hotel room that I have ever stayed in that I haven’t at least availed myself of the bathtub.

Something changed for me however, when photography became my life.  Whilst I still sit in the hot tub almost daily…. swimming seems to have become a thing of the past.  Hubby and I have visited some simply stunning beaches and stayed at some gorgeous places with magnificent swimming pools.  And whilst I have done a nice job of capturing them on “film”… the days of me running and jumping into the water seem to have become a thing of the past.

Today we had the opportunity to visit a stunning Hawaiian beach and borrow snorkelling gear to go out on to the reef to explore.  I almost didn’t do it.  After all, I was having a good hair day for once… I was wearing my best dress and nicest shoes… my makeup looked good.  It all just seemed like a big hassle.  And if I couldn’t take my camera in the water, what would be the point?  I have seriously gotten to the point in my life whereby, if I can’t photograph something, then it isn’t worth experiencing.  This is a problem.

The fun loving kid… the crazy adventurer… was gone.  I had a chance to swim with the fishes in one of the most beautiful places on Earth, and I was more than prepared to just skip it.

THANK GOD I DIDN’T!!!

Rather reluctantly I decided that I should go in the water.  And OH am I glad I did.  What an experience.  It was just stunning.  The corral reefs, the brightly coloured fishes, the amazing looking sea creatures.  That feeling of being one with the waves, that used to free my soul.  And then it happened.  A Honu.  Swimming just inches from me.  I reached out my hand and I almost touched him.  He was SO beautiful.  And so big.  And OH SO close.  Of course my first reaction was bitter disappointment that I couldn’t photograph this gorgeous creature from such a close proximity.  But I had to learn to let that go, and just accept that some experiences are totally worth having…. even if you don’t get to photograph them.

So next time that I am blessed with a wonderful opportunity to do something truly magnificent… I do hope that I will remember this day… put down the camera… and JUST DO IT!!!

and if you are wondering about the pic above… that was a different honu at a different beach we visited… photographed from the rocks.  Not a great shot, but still a wonderful experience. 

I write this as I sit here waiting for breakfast to be served at a truly wonderful B&B in Kona Hawaii.  Our hosts are just lovely people and very accommodating.  Nothing is too much trouble and they are so knowledgable about the island and things to see and do.  Our every need is provided for and they have even provided things I didn’t know I needed.

But I will be honest…. their knowledge of Coeliac Disease and what it takes to keep me safe, has been less than perfect.  Don’t get me wrong, they have done their very best and been extremely pleasant whilst doing so.  It’s just that overall knowledge, outside of the Coeliac community is still weak.  Part of me struggles with this, as to my way of thinking, anyone in the hospitality or food service industry “should” be knowledgeable on all the major food allergies and what is needed to keep people safe.

This morning we are having bagels.  My hosts were kind enough to go and purchase some gluten free bagels for me, which I really do appreciate.  However, there is so much more to keeping a Coeliac healthy than just buying the right products.  Very shortly I am going to have to go have a discussion  with them, about how my food must be prepared… or more importantly.. how not to prepare it.  And I just HATE having to do that.

I know I must do what I must do in order to be safe.  But I already feel like a big enough outsider.  Everywhere I go, I get the “special” meal.  I can’t do what everyone else is doing.  I can’t enjoy what everyone else is enjoying.  I feel weird.  I feel like a burden and a hassle.  I feel like an outsider.

I am sure my hosts won’t mind, and they will do whatever I ask them to do… they are just that kind of people.  I just long for the day when there is enough awareness and enough understanding in the world… that I don’t have to be put in the terrible position of constantly having to explain my needs… and feeling like I am just being overly demanding.  Some people understand right away.  But to others… I have no doubt… that I am just seen as someone seeking attention, or someone who just likes to be difficult.

Travelling to the USA in Springtime, there were certain things that I expected to see.  Blossoms.  Trees budding out with their first fresh new leaves of the season.  Sunshine.  Birds making nests.  You know… the usual.

I was not expecting to see snow!

For the very first time since 1907, it snowed in Kansas City in May!

And of course, it did it when I was here.

I have only seen snow about 4 times before in my entire life, so this was something special.  To be honest, I don’t really like snow that much.  Don’t get me wrong… it’s very pretty.  I am just not accustomed the the temperatures required to make snow.  And I am no fan of being cold.  When it started yesterday and we had a longish drive to get back to the hotel, I found the entire experience rather scary.  Police cars, sirens ablaze, stormed past us on the way to accidents.  Ice was building on the bridges as daylight was fading and this was all very unfamiliar and uncomfortable to me.

But once safely back at Unity Village (where we are staying).. it all seemed far more magical.  Early this morning, I ventured out… wearing as many warm clothes as I had packed.  Umbrella in one hand.  Camera in the other.  Warm woolly socks, borrowed from my hubby.  I walked the grounds of Unity, very carefully in places.  Not at all used to walking through ice and melting snow.

I returned to our room, wet and cold, and not totally sure that I could feel my fingers.  But how often does a girl from tropical Queensland Australia, get to go for a morning stroll through the snow!

Was this what I was expecting – no.  But this is what Mother Nature provided for me.  What a wonderful surprise.  And an even more wonderful life lesson, about embracing all that comes my way.

As promised.. here is my blog post from 35,001 feet (I checked).  We are almost exactly half way, somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, traveling at 562 mph.

As you can imagine, it’s already been rather a long day and my body is already confused about what time it is, or what time it’s supposed to be.  I’m a little weary, but have made the decision not to bother about sleep unless I get really tired.

Hubby and I spent last night at a lovely hotel at the airport, and this morning caught the shuttle bus over to Brisbane International Terminal.  Not usually one to speak to strangers, for some reason I struck up a conversation with two lovely ladies sat behind us on the shuttle bus.  It was one of those weird “no way.. me too”, conversations.  Actually the second time this has happened to  me in a week.

“So where are you headed off to today?”

“LA… no way… me too”.

“Where are from originally?”

“Melbourne.. no way.. me too”.

And it went on like this for some time.

Turns out they were on our very same flight, after spending the night in the very same hotel as us.  And we had so many things in common.

After walking the distance from the car park, up multiple escalators to the check in point, the same two lovely ladies where once again right behind us.  Good thing too.  The airport was packed… queued out the door.  Almost 2 hours in the line just to check in.

So naturally we got chatting again.

“You like NASCAR… me too”… (which is very unusual for most Aussies).

But the most important part of this entire conversation came in the form of a very enlightened statement.   I don’t even remember now, exactly what it was that she was referring to.  Might have been the weather.  Might have been flight delays or problems with connections in LAX.  But I will never forget what she said….

“It will be what it will be”.

Outstanding!

For the rest of the day, her wonderful statement has become my mantra…. “it will be what it will be”.

Now understand, that for a self confessed control freak like myself, this is HUGE.  I have never really been a go with the flow kinda person.  For whatever reason, I came to the assumption a long time ago, that if I could only control every aspect of every part of my life on a continual daily basis, then I would be safe, and everything would be OK.

To be honest, it hasn’t really worked out that well so far.

So today when the lines were long, and we were forced to wait for hours.. my normal reactions of frustration and anger was replaced with “it will be what it will be”.  When I was nervous about passing through customs with SO much gluten free food in my case (just in case)… I told myself calmly.. “it will be what it will be”.  And for the past 6 hours as the plane has been rattling side to side in almost constant turbulence (something that in the past would have put the fear of God in me)… I have remained incredibly calm and relaxed, realizing that “it will be what it will be”.

Tomorrow hubby and I leave for Brisbane, and then onto our much anticipated trip to the USA.  Bags are almost all packed.  Camera gear at the ready.  More gluten free snacks than I think any carry-on suitcase has ever seen before.  Not much to do now but count down the hours.

And apart from all the wonderful things I hope to see and do (and photograph)… this trip, more than any other we have gone on before…will be about people.  We have travelled to the US many times during our marriage, and always taken time to visit with family there.  But I can’t remember a previous trip that involved meeting new friends… people we have known online, but never yet met in person.

I have met so many wonderful, supportive, loving and kind people online.  Some I have known for many years, some fairly new.  I have met none of them in person before, and yet feel as though I know them as well as if we went to school together.  Hubby also has some new found friends (thanks to MLB), who have not only opened their hearts to us, but who are also opening up their homes.

I’m not usually a very sociable person.  Don’t get me wrong, I love a good chat.  But I’m very shy at heart (it’s a self confidence thing).  A great deal of my time is spent in solitude, or communing with nature.  People can be confusing.  They can be scary.  They can take advantage.  They can harm you.  I have known my fair share of those experiences, and for the most part, I guess I have cut myself off from a lot of human contact.  Which is why online friendships can be so wonderful.  For some reason they seem safer to me.  If things get too “real” I always have the option of logging off.

But every now and then I do miss a good warm hug, from someone who genuinely has my best intentions at heart.  I have always been a very expressive talker (must be my European background), but I so often talk with my hands, and facial expressions.  There is just so much that can never be conveyed over the telephone or via the internet.  When I write a blog post, I have to just trust that you understand what I am saying and how I am saying it.  Sometimes I manage to express myself very well…. sometimes, not.

So to be meeting so many new/old friends next week is exciting.  It’s a little scary. Mostly I think I feel truly blessed to be able to thank some people in person for all the love and support they have shown me.  I am not even sure if they truly realise just what having them in my life has meant to me… or how appreciated their friendship was in some of my darkest moments.

But then again… from the moment I was abandoned at birth… I guess deep down… I have always relied on the kindness of strangers.

Getting ready for my trip to the USA this week and I spent the weekend pouring over old pics from previous US trips.  Most were very “snapshotish” and not particularly good… some had potential and I gave them a re-edit.  I remember when I was taking them and thinking they were all going to be so brilliant.  I was brimming with new found confidence as I had just decided to launch Tracie Louise Photography.  A decision I pretty much made on the trip after seeing all the beautiful shiny travel brochures at the tourist info centres.  I didn’t for the life of me understand why I couldn’t be the one taking those images…. I do now.

Not that maybe I am not good enough at my craft.  I certainly wasn’t back in 2011…. but maybe now.  What I have since learned is that it doesn’t quite work like that.  It’s not a matter of being good enough.  Do you have any idea just how many photographers are out there who are plenty good enough?  What the digital age has done for me, in allowing me to pursue what was a life long passion, and turn it into a reality… the digital age is doing for countless others.

Looking over these old images reminded me a of a time when I took pictures for memories alone.  I have always loved to take pictures, even from a very young age.  I remember being completely snap happy on my 4th grade camp, and thinking I was oh so creative for taking pictures of things that others did not.  I went through a roll of film a week when my children were babies, snapping every new thing they did, every new outfit they wore.

But getting my first DSLR changed something in me.  It wasn’t just for fun or memories anymore.  Digital photography allowed me to truly explore and in turn, express my creativity.  All of a sudden I could reproduce the thoughts and feeling and emotions behind the image in front of me.  I put a picture of the 2011 USA trip on Google+ last night and received a scathing comment from a critic who felt my work was too over saturated.  It’s not the first time I have been accused of this.  But for me, photography is an art.  For 45 years, my photo’s represented a realistic depiction of the subject matter – boring!!  Anyone can do that.  Digital meant that I could now express how I saw things.  Bold.  And vivid.  And larger than life itself.  That’s what my eyes see.  That’s what my heart feels.

Now when I travel, I still take snapshots.  I still capture memories.  But that is a small part of my motivation for taking my camera along.  Now it’s about the challenge.  The thrill of the chase.  The idea of capturing the perfect, artistic, dramatic, soul inspiring image.  It’s about pushing myself further.  Learning more.  Reaching for something I don’t yet feel that I have attained.

When people ask me, what is my favourite photograph…. I tell them… it’s the one I haven’t taken yet.

Once upon a time we ate solely for survival.  It didn’t matter much what food tasted like, the fact that it sustained us and kept us alive was the only priority.

Oh, how things have changed.

I was raised in a family that celebrated food.. That used food as a reward.  That came together around, and because of food.  Each and every special occasion was marked with a celebratory meal.  Even to this day, when it’s my (or someone else’s) birthday, my father asks me where we are going out for dinner.  Food was important.  And even though I have spent my life being a very fussy eater… food was a focal point.

Now that I am Coeliac, it has been a hard adjustment.  Not only because of the restrictive nature of the required diet, but because of the sense of deprivation and “missing out” that comes with it.

At first I made it my mission to find suitable replacements for all I had lost, so that the transition would be as seamless as possible.  That didn’t go so well.  I don’t know what it’s like in your part of the world, but where I live, GF food is pretty much disgusting.  Maybe it is because I can still remember what “real” food tastes like.  I lived on bread.  I mean I seriously lived on it.  All kinds of bread.. I LOVED IT.  Toast for breaky.  Sandwiches for lunch.  And even buttered bread as a side with dinner.  Pasta was at least 2 times a week.. usually more.  And pizza was a regular. Carbs were a BIG part of my life.

I eventually gave up on bread.  GF bread is horrible.  I mean I can’t even begin to describe the level of horrible that it is.  It’s rock hard.  It’s dry.  It’s crumbly.  It’s small.  It’s tiny small.  It costs 3 to 4 times what regular bread costs (even if you bake it yourself).  So I just stopped trying.

But then Easter rolled around.  Hubby was consuming Hot Crossed Buns like they were going out of style.  Easter is a tough time for me.  It’s when my mum made the transition… and it always brings back memories.  So the bread obsession started up again.  And really with no more success than last time.  I’m getting really close to giving up on it again.

The experience got me thinking though.  Why has this been so tough on me?  Why do I get so angry, so frustrated?  And it dawned on me.  Because we don’t see food as just food.  Food is social.  Food is reward.  Food is comfort.  It’s not just something we do in order to stay alive.  We have built up entire rituals, and expectations and events surrounding food.  In my home town (like many I suspect), we have an annual Food and Wine Festival.  Food has become incredibly important in our lives for many reasons other than sustenance.

Maybe it’s time for me to take a step backwards.  Maybe millennia backwards… to a time when food was just food.  Something we did to survive, that’s all.  Maybe if I un-learn a lifetime of placing unnecessary significance on what could be, considered just a small part of life… Maybe then it will get easier.

Regular follows to the blog will have heard me mention local pop group Heartfelt before.  They are a group of 4 young (oldest is 21, youngest still at high school) gentlemen who live in my home town.  And the reason these guys have been given so much support by me (apart from the fact that one of them is my son).. is because I have such admiration for what these young people are choosing to do with there lives.

I live in a very rural town in Australia.  A place where the national pastime is mostly drinking and watching sport.  In this part of the world, you watch sport, play sport, shoot woodland creatures, swear a lot, drink even more, and for the most part, personal hygiene is fairly optional.  Men are men.  Well that’s not technically true.  Actually men are immature little boys who care more for their toys and trying to out macho the next guy, than they care for anything much else.

So what do you do if you are an artist, a musician, a poet.. and you just also happen to be male.

It’s a tough place to grow up if you are sensitive and have zero interest in the stereotypical male interests of this place.  It would be SO easy to let the peer pressure crush you.

But these guys haven’t done that.  They have rose above.  They take their feelings of frustrating, of not fitting in, and they have written them down as songs.  Wonderful catchy tunes that seriously do get stuck in your head.  It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, I know that.  When I first heard some of the songs, I wasn’t immediately “in love”.  But they grow on you.  And now I find that more often than not, it’s Heartfelt songs that are playing in my mind.  In a part of the world where Country music reigns supreme.. these kids had the courage of their conviction to deviate from the norm and follow their hearts.

Now here’s the truly impressive part.

They are completely self taught musicians.  They have no musical training whatsoever.  They have no computer or electronic training whatsoever.  And yet, they wrote all the music, all the lyrics, and then taught themselves how to record the songs, mix the songs, edit the songs, and produce their very own album.  I have no idea how they figured all that out.  I’m so impressed.  You know those big mixing boards that you see in recording studio’s… these kids have that same set up on their computer, and they professionally mix and edit all their own work.  Watching them work, is insanely impressive.

And I have the honour to have my own photographic images on their CD cover.  The kids went through my portfolio and chose what they felt represented their work best.  The shots they used where snapshots that I took out of my hotel window in Brisbane one night.  The image is nothing like where we live… but maybe it represents to Heartfelt where they want to go.  How big they hope to make it.

Buy the Album

They are going for their dreams.  They are working hard.  Whilst others their age are out drinking, vandalising, fighting or worse… these boys are chasing their goals, perfecting their craft and sharing their hopes and dreams with all who will listen.

And now that the album is done… like the title suggests… It’s out of their hands.  I hope and pray their work finds an audience.  These kids deserve it.  I have no idea how they figured out all the information, skills, knowledge and technical expertise necessary to make this album a reality.  But I am infinitely proud of each of them for doing so.  My only hope is that their work and dedication is not for nothing.  I am older and wiser, and I can be content with working my arse off at something I love and never making a dime from it.  It’s enough for me just to know that what I do brings a smile to others.  I just hope that if these kids don’t find the success that they are looking for, that they don’t give up, like so many others do.  They really do have a gift.

And I think it’s up to our generation to encourage that gift, whenever, and however we can.

I am currently reading yet another book on spirituality… “Sculptor in the Sky”, by Teal Scott.. It was actually recommended to me by a fellow WP blogger.  It’s a compelling read.  I actually plan to read it over again, once finished.

But here’s the thing.

It is not exactly saying anything new to me.  Nothing I haven’t heard a hundred times before.  I have read many many many books just like it.  And they are great.  They are wonderful and important pieces of literature, sharing vitally important information to the human race.  So what’s the problem?

How do I make them stick?

How do I get this stuff to be a working, functioning part of my daily existence?

I know this stuff.  I have been studying this information for literally decades.  On an intellectual level, I know it inside and out, back to front.

So why then, can’t I seem to walk the walk?

I feel like the Christian who goes to church on Sunday, full of enthusiasm… praising God… feeling the spirit of the Lord moving them, and touching their lives.. only to go to work on Monday morning and find that not a single thing has changed.  They are the same.  LIfe is the same.

What is it that prevents me from putting all the knowledge that I have acquired, and know to be true (for me at least, everyone is different) into my daily experience of life?  What is preventing the intellectual from becoming the experiential?

I have my moments of course.  Tiny glimpses of how it all fits together.  Brief flashes of the unity of the cosmos.  On rare occasions I actually feel much more spiritual than I do physical, and for a split second I can see through the veil of illusion, to how it all really works.  But they never last very long.

One would think that even a brief glimpse into the actual nature of reality would be enough to permanently alter one’s life… to change the way you deal with the mundane day to day… to put everything into such an exquisite perspective, that life would never be the same again.  But it is.  Housework is still housework.  Grocery shopping is still grocery shopping.  Illness and pain and depression still exist.

So if knowing the truth of reality doesn’t change it… what does?