Being “me” in public is always something that I have struggled with.
I could blame it on the adoption… and on my tremendous fear of rejection etc etc etc. But the simple fact is, that I have always had difficulty letting the real Tracie show through.
Maybe that is why I have such a desperate need to have at least a little bit of alone time each day, because… let’s face it… it was the only time I could let my guard down, relax, put away the masks and just “be”.
One of the most wonderful things about blogging has been the fact that I haven’t had to put on too many masks. I haven’t had to pretend who I am, or who I am not. Some people have made assumptions and that has reflected in comments or emails… and that’s bound to happen. We all see what we want to see… believe what we want to believe. But I have never lied. In fact, most of the time I have been brutally honest (and maybe even to my own detriment)… but I genuinely enjoyed the freedom to be honest that blogging gave me. It’s so much easier to bare your soul to the computer screen than face to face with someone.
And I don’t know if it is because of all I am going through right now. I don’t know if it is because I am getting older. But I’m just tired of life’s games. I don’t have the stamina for drama any longer. It’s exhausting pretending to be something I’m not…. someone I’m expected to be by others…. but someone who is not 100% authentically me.
So I’m not going to do that anymore.
I’m putting away my masks. My false personas. My pretend personalities. The part of me that participates in negativity, gossip, drama, poverty mentality… all that ridiculously unproductive stuff, that so many participate in…. that I have participated in, just to fit in…. just to feel accepted. I can’t do that crap anymore. I no longer have the energy.
And I am going to be me…. 100% me….. genuinely, unabashedly, unashamedly, unapologetically, proudly holding my head up high… ME.
So if you like me…. great!
If you don’t…. that’s cool to..